Seasons of Hardship | Part 2 | Walking With Your Spouse Through A Health Crisis

In this raw and heartfelt episode, Brian and Sonia Nhira open up about navigating the stormy waters of individual crisis within a marriage—specifically Sonia’s adrenal crash and health struggles that began in December 2023. With honesty and humility, they explore how chronic illness impacted not only Sonia’s body but the emotional climate of their entire home. Brian reflects on his growth in learning to be present in the pain—not just shouting encouragement from a distance but “getting in the well” with his wife. Sonia shares the deep emotional and spiritual wrestle of expecting her husband to be her savior, rather than turning first to God. Together, they recount missteps, reconciliation, and the slow but sacred process of healing. They emphasize the importance of character capacity, humility, counseling, and grace—reminding listeners that while tough times may stretch us, they don’t last forever, and God’s faithfulness does.

Transcript

I needed to learn how to get in the well with you become. I'm doing my best. I've exhausted all my options. My mandate from god is to be there for my wife, yeah, to cover her, like, there's a lot of unrealistic expectations that you're placing on him.We need to talk about that, because welcome to growing with an Era's podcast. I'm Sonia Nira and I'm Brian, and we are on a journey to learn and grow with you in the area faith, purpose and relationships.Brian, what are we gonna talk about today? We're gonna talk about today walking through tough times when your spouse is going through an individual crisis, cause sometimes [...0.5s] you go through tough times as a couple [...0.5s] or as a family.But this is really gonna be geared towards when [...0.5s] a person in a marriage is [...0.5s] individually going through a crisis, and how we can support one another, how we navigate that. Sonia give us a quick recap to give us a little bit of foundation to talk about everything in our subject today.Sure. Okay, so I had an adrenal crash, [...1.3s] oh gosh, about 14 months ago. Um, then we also found some other underlying issues, thyroid stuff, hormonal stuff. Um, and I would say [...0.6s] we're not like out of the weeds, out of the weed.Yeah, we're out of the weeds. We're just not, [...0.6s] like, it's not completely finished. I'd say we're like 95% there.Like I'm, you know, I'm very close to being 100% [...0.5s] for sure. Um, but I would say the worst of it was the [...0.7s] six months, six to eight months after the adrenal crash, yeah yeah, for sure, the first December 2023 is when the adrenal crash happened.I remember you came downstairs [...0.5s] one, [...0.5s] um, weekday when we're supposed to be going to work and you're like, I cannot go to work today. And that's when I knew, oh wow, this is really serious.What she's experiencing is not just a momentary thing because it had been progressing. You'd been experiencing sleep deprivation, you've been experiencing, um, blurry vision and also a lot of brain fog.Yeah. And so I remember December 2023, you came downstairs and then it did send us on like a really intense probably six to eight months journey.Yeah, absolutely, [...0.5s] and along that journey, [...0.6s] because we couldn't figure out what it was probably for about four to five months. Um, [...0.6s] it was just uh was just a crucible for me personally. Yeah, yeah, and then it affects you indirectly and especially just the tone of the home.I mean, if I just have so much Grace and compassion for anybody that has a chronic condition, like actually I have, [...0.9s] I Learned a principle once in prayer [...0.6s] is, [...0.5s] you know, if the enemy is coming for you in some way, [...0.6s] pray for yourself.Yes, but then spend most of your time praying for other people with that same thing. Because when the enemy tries to touch you, then you could get back [...1.1s] in a redemptive way [...0.5s] of [...0.5s] taking as many people with you in the redemption process as possible.Yeah. And so I spent a lot of time praying for people with chronic conditions. And I just have such a heart for people that are dealing with that. And it doesn't just affect the person, it affects the children. It affects the marriage.

Yeah. Um. And we definitely saw that in a very, you know, six eight months seems like a long time, but it's not in comparison to people who had chronic stuff for years and years and years.Um, you know and so, and that's a very real, I just like wanna slow down right there because I think that, [...0.8s] that is a very prevalent thing that's happening in our society where people are walking through illnesses, um, whether it be physical, whether it be mental, yeah, that, um, they're not able to understand how to walk through it well.And I know that was, that's how it was for us, yeah, is like, in the moment, I didn't specifically had all the wisdom that I needed to be able to walk well with my wife. Um. And the fact of the matter is you were the one experiencing it.So, like, there's no excuse for me by any means. But man, I just pray that through this broadcast, [...0.5s] do the identification that's happening in this moment that people who are walking through, um, seasons of illness.People who are walking with them would feel comforted to know that the Lord is with you.Yeah, and the Lord will continue to be with you as you walk together. Um, one of the things that Scripture says is that, um, in John 16:33 is that, um, in this life and in this world, you will have trouble, [...1.3s] you will have trouble, and there will be things that you come up against in your life and in your marriage that you will have to walk through together.I, what love with the end of the Scripture says, but take heart, I have overcome the world. So Jesus is with you right now. He's with you in this moment before we even begin to go down the journey of, like, all the things that we had to walk through. I just wanna let you know that Jesus is with you.So Sonia, the question that I have for you and it's actually a question, um, that a friend of ours asked as we are discussing this podcast topic is like, [...0.7s] what did you need in that time?What did you need during the time that you were walking through sickness, didn't quite understand what was going on, like from me, what was the things that you needed from me? [...3.4s]I, [...0.8s] it's hard because I, [...1.7s] I didn't know what I needed [...0.7s] a lot of the time. Um, what I wanted was for someone to help me figure out what [...1.1s] kind of health, like to create a health plan because we had gone to doctors and they were not they were just like you're fine.You're just without a doubt, literally anxious. I'm like, no I'm anxious because I can't see, [...0.6s] you know, it's like yeah one doctor like was like, you need to go and see you, just a therapist. You just need to go to a therapist. You're fine. And like, maybe was that true?Probably like one extension [...0.5s] I was dealing with fear that's because I thought I was dying, but that was not the physical manifestations.We need an answer for the, what was happening, yeah, in the physical, yeah, after going to a bunch of doctors and they're like, you're fine. Your blood work is fine. [...1.3s]

I was like [...0.7s] just [...0.8s] desperate to know what to do next. [...1.2s] Um, because I'm like, something is wrong, something's really, really wrong. And I just wanted someone to sit down with me and be like, this is what our plan is, [...0.9s] and I'm gonna help you do it.You know, um we're gonna, [...0.6s] we're gonna decide to do this and then this will be our stop after that if that doesn't work. And, [...0.5s] you know, and that's what I really wanted. Um, [...1.9s] and [...0.6s] I don't know how, how did you respond to that want that I had communicated?I mean, I think like, if I'm going to [...0.6s] honestly [...0.6s] reflect on that time, I don't think that I did a great job [...0.6s] of responding to your wants. And there's a number of reasons, yeah, why I think number one is I really had no life context of walking with somebody who was sick [...0.8s] in my family.My dad was sick once was sick once um diabetes. Um, and I did see you know, I actually did see my mom do such an amazing job of walk with him, change diet, all of that stuff. But I don't know why in [...0.7s] the situation that we went through, it felt like I had no context or experience.And that's not an excuse by any means, but it was a learning lesson for me as we journey on in life that like you actually don't, if you don't have the live context, go and find somebody who does and who can help you, yeah, and who can walk with you who can help you understand that this is how you walk with your wife through a situation like this.This is how you uh this is how you you stop life for, for your family, this is how you begin to set the atmosphere in your home while your wife really all she can do is rest, you know, this is how you do all those things.And so I felt like I probably didn't do a great job in that, in that past season.And I felt like the second thing is I also, you know, this kind of an admission to an extent is like [...0.5s] in my mind, I was like, this gonna pass, [...0.7s] it's gonna pass like this is, it's not this is only momentary. Like we won't be in this.And that was true, [...0.6s] but I needed to learn. Um, and like leadership, coaches and counselors in the last year of help me with this, I needed to learn how to get in the MUD with you. I needed to learn, or I'd like another counselor would say, I needed to learn how to get in the well with you.At the example that the counselor gave us was like, [...0.6s] she, um, I can't remember if it was a story, it was a real life story where like, um, a father, [...0.5s] uh, and a daughter, a family were having a conversation and the daughter [...0.7s] was divulging to her family that she was having a lot of mental health issues while she was at college.And [...0.7s] there was two responses from the mom and from the dad, [...0.5s] from the mom. The mom said, [...0.8s] you're gonna be alright, [...0.7s] you're gonna be fine, it's gonna be okay. You're, [...0.5s] you're a da, da, da, you're a, you're a Williams girl you're a Williams girl you're gonna make it through and you're gonna be just fine. And the father was like, come here, [...0.8s] give me a hug [...1.3s] and just held her, [...1.2s] right?And so ultimately, she was talking about how the dad, the mom shouted from the well, her daughter was in the well, you know, drowning in the mom and shouted, you can do it! You can get out of the well, you can get up!But the dad got in the well with her and was like, hey, come on, we're gonna get out together.And so for me, I feel like [...0.8s] a lot of like a large portion of like that experience that six to eight months was me like yelling from outside the world, like, come on, Sonia, you're gonna make it through, you can do it! Dah, dah, dah dah dah right?

But, um, what I really should have done is immediately just got in the well with you, and [...1.0s] understanding that I don't have all the answers right now, but together we're gonna get through this.Yeah, you know and so I feel like that's how just to respond to your question. That's how I, [...0.7s] that, that was my process [...0.6s] during that time.Yeah, and I think, um, one of the things that you did really well, um, [...0.5s] was you provided, um, [...0.7s] you know um we I don't know how many thousands of dollars we spent on healthcare absolutely. Um, [...0.6s] and I never have to worry about that. It was never a worry at all.Yeah, like, and it didn't know, it didn't matter how much it cost. You were just like, get it, whatever we gotta do, we gotta get it whatever, like, we're just gonna get it, [...0.5s] and I'm very grateful for that, like, that wasn't a worry, [...0.6s] you know, um and I think after you go through a crisis, cause I just believe in Jesus name that every crisis, yeah, has an end date. It does, uh, because that's who our God is.Our God is faithful, [...0.5s] and if your crisis, I just have to say, if your crisis hasn't ended, and you feel like it should have a long time ago. You need to start taking authority [...0.8s] and, and, and you know, rebuke the devour that's trying to prolong a suffering. Yeah, um, and so [...2.5s] I lost my train of thought.I think that one thing that's very important, oh yes, oh God, I remember now. Sorry, [...0.6s] uh, I remembered that I was gonna say that, [...0.7s] um, after you go through a crisis and like, like, it's done, [...0.6s] you know, um you have to recap, you have to heal [...0.5s] because every single it's a crisis.No one is gonna be perfect in a crisis. I wasn't perfect in a crisis as a matter of fact, I was so unkind in certain moments to my spouse.In my crisis, I had a bad mood when I would wake up in the morning, [...0.6s] is like, I actually changed the atmosphere of our home in some, some days because I was in straight survival mode. I wasn't in joy bomb mode, I was in survival mode.Yeah, yeah, and my husband is like having like awesome, you know, victories at work and like, and I'm just like, [...0.6s] don't care because I'm in survival mode cause I couldn't stop being a mom.Yeah, I can stop working. You know, that like wasn't necessarily something that we felt like the Lord is telling us to do. We could have, but it's not something the Lord is leading me to do. So I was still working, yeah, um, [...0.6s] so I wasn't perfect and we had to have many moments of reconciliation.

Yeah, you know post even during, because there was moments where I come to you and I would cry and I would just say, please [...0.9s] help me. Yeah, like I'm afraid, hmm, [...0.6s] and I don't know what to do. Yeah, and I really need help. Yeah, [...0.6s] like I'm I'm doing my best. I've exhausted all my options.Yeah, I need help cause I'm scared absolutely. And he would hold my hand and he would say, [...0.9s] I'm sorry, I, I'm doing my best. I'm afraid too.Yeah, [...0.6s] yeah. And those moments are important you have to have. Important and I just very important. I pray that there's something that's blocking you for anybody that's listening from having those moments where you can be like, [...0.8s] man, like [...0.5s] I need this [...0.7s] or I'm overwhelmed or I'm afraid, or I'm in pain.And I know that [...1.5s] you were like all in with me the first week it was happening, but now we're on [...0.6s] month 6 [...0.5s] and you're tired of hearing about it. You know, it's like I I just, I need you to sit with me just for 10 minutes today cause we're about to go have a fun day with the family.And I'm gonna be thinking, though I'm gonna be in a different world than you. We're gonna be in the same place, but we're gonna have two very different experiences.And so, [...0.6s] you know, we had to have reconciliation. We had to pursue healing and forgiveness because there is plenty of areas that I did not handle it well. And I have to give Grace to my husband because he carries humility.You know, [...0.6s] I know, I know marriages where the spouse is not curing humility. And so because of your humility, like, I honor you, and I bless you, and I forgive you. And [...0.6s] I haven't been able to say that easily, [...0.7s] but I'm finally to the place. I can say it, yes, and really, really, really mean it.My heart's not hard, [...0.5s] you know, [...0.5s] and and I'm really grateful, but I have a question for you. Yes, [...0.5s] um, [...1.2s] where did you receive [...1.0s] wisdom when you were supporting a spouse [...0.8s] with a chronic [...0.8s] situation?Um, [...0.6s] well, during that time, I mean, I had multiple people who I was talking to at the beginning of the year, I was, [...0.9s] I was seeing a counselor, yeah, I was seeing a counselor, like, once or twice a month, I was seeing a counselor.Um, but then, like, medical bills just started to get so expensive and everything.So I was like, [...0.7s] you're gonna have to be all right, right, [...0.5s] haha. We're gonna have to allocate these funds somewhere else. You know, because you know, [...0.6s] by God's Grace still at the process of healing. Like, you know we had people come alongside of us that started helping you specifically. So we started, like, just investing our funds into that.So, but then I had a leadership coach as well, who honestly was, like, better than my counselor. I should probably shouldn't say that, but, you know, he's like, he's basically no, he is, [...0.8s] he's amazing. He's annoying to your soul.I'm just like he's anointed, but [...1.0s] he helped me a lot. He helped me with growing my character [...1.1s] and my character capacity. Yeah, that's one thing that we started diving deep into is, um, relational nutrients. Um, it's a, it's a concept that's in a book called, uh, People Fuel.Yeah, um, but we started talking about character capacity. In within character capacity there's like four different quadrants. It gets very it gets in depth but [...0.5s] the basic tenant of it is that you have to start with Grace before you can get to truth you have to start with Grace before you can get the truth and that's kind of where that get in the MUD with you, get in the MUD um concept came from.

But I think at the beginning I had no help. I really didn't have a lot of help. So I was just gonna like, you know, however we get this done. I'm just gonna hold on until it's done.But then I think things started to slow down when Addison came into our of my life started helping me just grow my character capacity, um, and my ability to hold the tension of, um, my wife is sick, right? And we're going on a journey to her being well, you know, the in between is really hard. And that's where tension lies, tension lies in the in between.Yeah. When Addison came into my life, he really helped me [...0.5s] manage the tension that we were living in, in our lives. Yeah, you know cause it was tension, it was like, [...0.5s] whoa, like we're living in reality where my wife is sick, she is really sick. And not only is she sick, life is still going on. Yeah, life's not stopping.Yeah, you know like and you had huge responsibilities at work, you know, things were happening in work as well, lots of fires, you know, and like it was a very difficult time at work.Very, there was a lot of tension at work. So there's tension in my, at home, in my marriage, there's tension at work. My kids are growing. My life was just filled with so much tension. And before Addison came in and help me understand that, okay, you need to grow in your character [...0.8s] and in your capacity to be able to handle the tension because the reality is this God hasn't given you more than you can handle. You can handle it.And he wants to grow you in this process, like it says in James 1 verse 2, consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds. Because you know that those trials are ultimately producing perseverance in you.Yeah, and you need to let perseverance have its way in you, so that you can be complete and mature not lacking anything. So I was literally in a season of maturation.Yeah, you know and the tools that God was using me, using in that season was my wife's sickness, [...0.5s] what I was going through at work parenting.And I had to be able I had to learn and grow up to be able to meet the demands that were being placed before me. But the most important one in that season, and again I don't think I did this the best, [...1.1s] the most important one was my wife, [...0.5s] you know, the most important one was my wife.But when you're in a season in a situation where [...0.8s] work is constantly [...0.6s] like screaming at you, it's so easy, yeah, to, because this is the thing about work. Usually work problems are solvable. Yeah, my wife's sickness. I couldn't solve that, [...0.7s] so you avoided it. So in, I wouldn't say that I avoided it.I say that I, um, [...0.9s] I probably wasn't able because I couldn't solve it and because I couldn't rationalize it. I, um, [...0.5s] just did a poor job of continuing to have the, have the perseverance to figure out how I could help my own.Yeah, so it wasn't avoiding it cause I was always thinking about it. I was constantly thinking about it because it was the reality of our home, yeah, in that season. So like, you couldn't avoid it yeah you couldn't avoid it yeah but like, I was probably quiet more than I needed to be quiet.I probably should have, you know, did done more research, you know, like we've had discussions about that, um, doing more research. You're, you're in crisis mode.Yeah, so you don't see it until after, right, at least for me. You don't really see the full picture of like, whoa, I was really going through it, [...0.5s] you know, or like, whoa, we were not connected.Yeah, like, whoa we were not talking about what we were feeling. Or whoa, son, you did not handle that, you were, you held unforgiveness in your heart.But you know what I will say, I will say that I think that the Lord actually gave us the gift of presence in that moment because we were, I felt like we were acutely aware of everything that you just said.I think that we were cutely, we were aware that we were not doing it well, you know, that you know, like we're not doing that. We were aware we're, we're really not journeying well.And this is the thing about it. We met [...0.5s] that reality by seeking wisdom, yeah, exactly. So we got counselors, yes, we got coaches, yes, we started talking to people about it, yes, we started talking to each other about it.

And this is the thing about it. It's like [...1.2s] a lot of the, the, the conversation [...0.8s] look like arguments, yeah, look like there was a lot of tears. It was intense fellowship, intense fellowship, exactly and Brian had to forgive me, yes, because I was not kind.I didn't always carry the fruit of gentleness, you know, and I didn't always say things that were appropriate for me to say, [...0.5s] you know, like accusation you do this and you did that, and you don't love me.And it's like, no, I partnered with an enemy in many ways in my demeanor, in my thinking, in what I said. So you have to be able to learn how to recognize it and then overcome it.And for me, you know, being really honest with people that I know have permission in my life to rebuke me, [...0.7s] like my counselor has permission to rebuke me, my pastors have permission to rebuke me.I have close friends that I really trust or I'm like, hey, this is how I'm feeling, [...0.6s] you know, this is what I'm thinking, and they have permission to say, that's not right, son, go repent. You know, like hey that's a really dangerous thought pattern, you need to take that under control.This is the scripture, like pray about the scripture that you need to be meditating on, right. And so that's a real life a process for me, [...0.6s] um, because I do have a sin nature that I'm constantly trying to subdue and taking off the old man on my, oh, here's an old man again, gonna have to take it off.It's like, we have to understand as believers that once you're saved, that doesn't mean [...0.5s] that you never have a sin issue, that you never have a flesh.It's like, no we have to walk through life being able to know [...0.6s] when to take off the old man, when to rebuke the devil, when to persevere, when to do a fast, when to repent, when to apologize, when to seek wisdom.And I think [...0.7s] we did all of those things, even though we weren't perfect. I was so grateful for our perseverance of, okay, we didn't do that right, let's pivot, [...0.8s] okay, we didn't do that right. Let's pivot. Okay, this is working. Let's stay on this for a while.That's right, you know, yeah and counseling was, was the thing that we stayed on. [...1.4s] We got a great counselor, she's amazing. Yes, and, you know, my counselor told me my counselor told me Sonia you're our counselor, our, yes, you're right, she is our counselor now.We, yes, I love her. She told me, like, [...1.0s] you are putting too many expectations on Brian. [...1.3s] Like, there's a lot of unrealistic expectations that you're placing on him. And, and I'm so grateful for that.We need to talk about that because, uh, I don't think that you're an anomaly in that. Yeah, um, I think that a lot of people in spousal relationships, they, um, have an inappropriate relationship with their spouse in that they treat their spouse like their god.But there's only things that god can do for you and that your spouse will never be able to do for you. Can you expound upon some of the lessons that she taught you? And she taught us about how we have to be in right relationship with our spouse and in right relationship with god. Yeah, I think, um, [...1.2s] we naturally all have a dependency on something.Hmm, we just, we naturally have dependency. It's where we place, it is where it matters, [...0.7s] and we were not created to be alone. We were created to be in a family, but even before God created Adam and Eve, Eve for Adam, it was just Adam and God.And so, [...0.8s] you know, the biggest principle I think I took away honestly was [...0.6s] have I processed it with God first.Because it's so easy to process my big emotions what I'm feeling, even like the fatigue I was feeling the symptoms, like, it would be so easy for me to go straight to Brian, like, I'm feeling this today, oh my gosh.Like, this symptom came, and [...0.6s] it was like freaking level 10, and then, and then I did this, and then it got better.It's like, I was so I felt so alone I was wanting so bad to be with somebody in that season, but I, I sometimes came to you before I came to the often times, came to you before I came to the Lord. And it was causing problems.

I was expecting you to have save your, uh, deliverables when, it's like, you can't, you can only give me husband deliverables.Wow, you know, wow that a, that's deep right there that's deep right there yeah and that, but that doesn't like, [...0.6s] the right relationship, doesn't, [...0.5s] um, take away the need for me to be there for my wife.Because my desire in my, not just my desire, my mandate from God [...0.5s] is to be there for my wife, yeah, is to cover her and to be there for her even as Christ is there for the church. Yeah, and so, like, what we're talking about is, we're talking about alignment, so God first, and then I come next.So I love a rule that our counselors given us, is, like, you have to process with god, like, whatever you're going through what what you're going through um process it with the Lord. And if you need to take 24 hours, yes, with it, take 24 hours and then bring it to your spouse.Yeah, because what you wanna be doing is you wanna be bringing these things to your spouse that have run through the filter of your relationship with Jesus, [...0.6s] right, because then your spouse is able to respond to something that is filled with purity, that is filled with life, then we're able to be in unity and walk together.Sometimes when you're bringing emotions that haven't been processed through your relationship with Christ, with Christ, your spouse is gonna be put in a knowing situation where, it's like, they're not really able to meet the need.And then usually what happens is the spouse feels like they are neglected, or they are not taken care of until it's very, very, very important that we have right relationship with our spouses and with god.Yeah, amen, why think we Learned so much? We're still learning, yes, but I think recapping, building our team, recognizing when we're doing well, not doing well, [...0.8s] being humble, [...0.6s] being willing to repent quickly, and forgive quickly, forgive quickly to go to the Lord first, [...0.7s] and then to our spouse, making sure we're having right expectation of [...0.5s] who is who, [...0.5s] you know, am I viewing my spouse really as my savior, [...0.6s] or am I not viewing my spouse correctly?And I actually need to go to the one who is my savior, and that's Jesus, and that's through prayer. That's the name of the pod. Your spouse is not your savior. [...3.0s] I want to say one more thing before you close this in prayer. Um, [...0.7s] tough times don't last. Yeah, you'll get through it. You're gonna make it through. I know that you're walking through a hard time right now in your life.I know that you're walking through a circumstance that feels like it will never end, [...0.7s] but I wanna encourage you to continue holding on.I love what Hebrews 10:23 says. It says let us hold unservingly to the hope that we profess, for he who is promised [...0.5s] is faithful. The Lord is faithful to deliver you from anything that you are walking through in your life.Lord, I just thank you so much [...0.8s] that you are a god who is faithful, [...0.6s] that you are faithful in the valley, you are faithful, in the Mountain Top, [...0.5s] you are faithful.There is no circumstance that any one of us will ever be in where you are not, where you will not be faithful. Because your word says that you are faithful even when we are not faithful. Because you cannot deny who you are, so it does not matter what we face in life.

The faithfulness of God will carry us through. And I thank you, god, that, that is my testimony that you healed me, [...0.5s] you delivered me, you strengthened my, my marriage, you brought reconciliation into my marriage, you convicted us, you LED us, and I just thank you, Lord for your faithfulness.So I just declare over all of us healing [...0.8s] fate, God's faithfulness and his blessing in Jesus name, amen, amen. Well, thank you so much for tuning into the growing with the nearest podcast today.If you've been blessed by this podcast, hey, do us a favor and give us a review on Spotify or apple or whatever platform that you are listening on. If you're on YouTube, make sure you like and subscribe to our channel. Hey, share this with a friend.I know that there's someone that probably came up in your mind. Whether it's your spouse or another friend, make sure you go and share this with them. Maybe it can be a blessing to them as they're walking through a tough time in their life. We love you all.Thank you so much. Go follow us on Instagram and TikTok as well. We got fun content. Bye. [...0.4s]